"Yes, I invented the whole bisexual movement, you asshole."

I wish I could tell all of you what I did last night. I really do....The fact that I look like Courtney Love after a good night of Ludes, fistfights, stripping in the streets and needles full of whiskey for sure means that I had a shit ton of fun. Not to mention, this strange smell of fire, beer, gay men, pink martinis, and the Marlboro Man's ashtray emitting from my head.
When I got home this afternoon, I found a package of cookies in my tiger-print backpack, and the brand-name was Maria. That's me. That's weird.
OH! Yes, it's coming back to me.....It was a birthday party! (Happy Birthday Jason! I'm sorry you had to clean up after all of us flailing jerks. I offered to help, but I think I was making it worse by every step I took dragging queesche (sp?) across your beautiful rugs......shit. Thanks for letting me pass out in the Blue Room.)

as if he's gonna read this....

ok, I can't do this today.
I have to wash the stink off, take a nap, and be up in time to watch Arrested Development. Best Show Ever.

no bright lights or loud noises please....