some nights the painkillers make the pain worse.

the days until the Hold Steady shows are going to be the longest days of my life.

real siberian huskies sleeping on toy siberian huskies is the best thing ever.

i need a charge. i need an electric shock of awesomeness.
i remember my first crush in 7th grade, Dan Stromberg. Everytime i saw him i got hot and dizzy. all the blood would spazz in my face and i fainted a little inside. the stutters and flutters were amazing. the way my hands would go numb and my ears would burn was the most perfect feeling ever. sick never felt so good.

i tried out for a school play for the first time because of him guess who ended up lettering in drama? the lengths we go.
he lived two blocks away from me and i would walk past his house every chance i could. I need candy. walk by Dan's house. I need a haircut. Walk by Dan's house. i should take the dog for a walk. Walk by Dan's house.
I even had his phone number memorized.

when i finally got the courage to talk to him, it was the last day of school. the next year i would be in 8th grade, and he would be in high school.
i saw him walking home, and i pulled out my yearbook and asked him to sign it.
i couldn't breathe. i couldn't see, the neighborhood went white. he took my pen and started to write.
he gave me back my book and i said thank you.
i let him walk away a bit before i looked at what he wrote, and when he was far enough away, i opened the book to see that he had written,
"Stay the fuck away from me."

i died right there on the sidewalk. i lived right across from the school, and i swear it took me 6 hours to get home that day.
i was weak and nauseaus. my head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.
i threw up then cried for hours.
what an assshole. i wouldn't wish junior high on my worst enemy.

i want to be somebody's Dan Stromberg. I want another Dan Stromberg.
but without all the mean.

life is beige without a crush.
let's get excited.